Thoughts on Domestic and Religious Abuse

I came of age in an era when there was very little recognition of domestic abuse against a spouse or child. When I went to university I rented a room in a home where the husband regularly beat his wife. She was a university professor and they had two young daughters. It never occurred to me that this was anything more than a marriage problem but I felt uncomfortable when the wife would talk to me the next day as if nothing had happened the night before. I sometimes wonder if this lady ever left the marriage and how the daughters fared as adults after growing up in this environment. I did some research to determine if my observations about domestic abuse were accurate and found a report from the National Library of Medicine entitled Domestic Violence in the 1970s. Here is a screenshot of the introduction.

I recently heard that a church acquaintance I have known for decades has obtained a restraining order against her spouse because of abuse. Everyone knew they had a “rocky marriage” and depending on who shared the gossip, blame was placed on both parties. My peer had a distinguished professional career and was, by observation, a perfectionist in appearance, household management, motherhood, caring for aging parents, church involvement and more. I see now that for over 4 decades she had taken it upon herself to be the “fixer” of everything, including a marriage problem that she kept to herself for many reasons.

Julie Roys is an investigative journalist who has uncovered corruption and abuse within the Christian church. “The Roys Report is a Christian media outlet, reporting the unvarnished truth about what’s happening in the Christian community so the church can be reformed and restored.” (ref) Her reports have upset many who have power, particularly in patriarchal, complementarian religious systems, but in the end, all accounts have been validated. 

Discovery + released a three-part documentary Hillsong Exposed this year and the abuse coverups and hypocrisies of top leaders are shocking. I watched the entire series and was saddened at the damage this behaviour has done to the witness of the Christian church. When people come to the Emergency Department at the hospital where I work they are asked if they are safe at home and are questioned about domestic abuse on admission. Clearly, most churches do not make similar inquiries and often act to protect the institution rather than the victims. Hillsong Church required their Bible School students and their staff members to sign non-disclosure agreements on arrival in an effort to ensure no formal complaints. This is a huge red flag for an organization!

Time to check for weeds in the garden!

 
The #MeToo movement has empowered more victims of abuse to come forward with their stories and to seek justice from abusers. While there are more social supports available for survivors, many spouses, children and elders remain trapped in abusive domestic situations because of cultural and religious mores as well as economic dependency.

Too many religious groups allow for divorce only if there is adultery, and they often counsel women and children to stay in abusive relationships in order to be a model of Christ-like submission in suffering. This website has a link to a chart which provides current information on 40 church denominations' divorce policies including information on whether divorce is condoned for sexual immorality/adultery, physical abuse, emotional abuse, severe addictions, or abandonment. The current report is very disheartening for those who would seek spiritual counsel for domestic abuse. Abuse has been a cancerous growth within the church for millennia and it is good that victims are coming forward with their stories. But much more needs to be done to protect vulnerable people caught in a power dynamic domestically or institutionally.

A recent hospital patient was a difficult customer, angry, rude, and dismissive as we attempted to care for her. I asked about her family and she told me about her alcoholic mother and the sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her father and brother. She was a child in an era when there were few resources for victims of domestic abuse and she has suffered physically and emotionally for years. She and I were able to connect and developed a decent clinical relationship. As I was leaving her bedside one day, she grabbed my hand and said, “I wish you were my mother!”

Her words broke my heart as I heard the pain of a damaged person who has never experienced a healthy human relationship.

As a society, we must do better at recognizing and helping people in abusive situations. I do think things are improving and are more open now than when I was a young adult. Churches change at a much slower pace than society changes, but in regards to abuse, important change needs to come quickly within religious organizations. Members need to ask questions of leaders and demand policies that prevent abuse as well as provide support for victims.

"Coincidentally" Humans of New York is sharing a 15-part story on Facebook today that illustrates the struggles of a woman caught in an abusive marriage and religious system. Here is Part 1.