Compassion Fatigue

 

I had one day off work this week which gave me the opportunity to hop on my bike early in the morning and ride to a quiet spot to enjoy nature and meditate. Lines from Leonard Cohen's song played over in my head,

"It's not a cry that you hear at night

It's not someone who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah..."

The world is full of suffering and we are bombarded by media with details of too many troubling events. I see coworkers who have worked for a year in the pandemic, many who have not had vacation time, as they suffer fatigue from so much caring. There are many "broken hallelujahs" as people battle illness, loss, fractured relationships, aging, loneliness, and face an uncertain future. 

In Mark 6:31, we read the Jesus and his disciples suffered from compassion fatigue as well.

...because so many people were coming and going 

that they did not even have a chance to eat, he (Jesus) said to them, 

“Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”

This is the solution for a tired soul, but the story goes on to say that the crowds beat Jesus and his disciples to the quiet place. It was much later after a busy day and night that they experienced rejuvenating peace and quiet. 

As I sat on a big stone in the park, I watched two chickadees gather dried grass for a nest. A Song Sparrow sang its spring song from the top of a tree. 

"...but not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it.

And the very hairs on your head 

are all numbered. 

So don’t be afraid; 

you are more valuable to God 

than a whole flock of sparrows." 

Matthew 10:29-31

I cannot bear all the bad news and requests for prayer that fill social media feeds or come my way from other people. A couple of years ago I wrote about our circles of control and influence and how we need to narrow our focus to areas where we have control and influence. Each morning my prayer is that I will "be Christ" to the people who I encounter in my circle that day. 

Jesus said in Matthew 11:28-30

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, 

for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

The world is watching as efforts are made to free the enormous cargo vessel that has been blocking the Suez Canal in the past week. Many funny memes are circulating as people liken circumstances in their lives to this digger undertaking the overwhelming job of freeing the monster ship. The digger cannot accomplish this on its own, but is part of a much bigger team that is working on a solution to the problem.

We must nurture meaningful personal and spiritual relationships so we have a team that keeps us afloat in times of trouble. We cannot feel guilty if we do not respond to every need we hear about but must take time to find rest and balance in our lives. 

What is Your Race?

 

"Selfie" of Mom and I -1955

I am taking a couple of courses at Coursera.org and one of them is Anti-Racism 1. I read several books on race in the past year in an attempt to understand the meaning of Critical Race Theory and the definition of anti-racism. Our brains are wired for bias and humans are tribal beings based on any number of physical and behavioural identifiers. Defense of our tribal view can lead to us to be aggressive toward those different than ourselves. People who benefit most from racial privilege often are the most resistant to change that would dismantle heirarchies that promote bias. As I wrote on March 11, 2021, our biases can be based on a variety of characteristics including, gender, age, occupation, disability, religion, beauty, wealth, as well as ethnicity. 

I like to think that I do not engage in conscious negative racist behaviours, but I have been the recipient of unmerited benefits throughout life based on my ethnicity. Since childhood, I kept diaries and reading some of my youthful reflections is truly cringe worthy. Racial slurs rolled off the tip of my pen as I parroted phrases I heard in every day conversation. My parents were good people but they were white, English-speaking citizens of the British Colonial Empire. Indigenous people of other cultures were often referred to as "savages" in the missionary stories we had at home. Racism is deeply rooted in my being.

My assignment this week is to answer the question, "What is your race?" The next question is, "Reflect on the first time you learned what race you were." 

I first identified as a member of the "European" race. 

I was born in South Africa in 1955 when apartheid policies were firmly in place. My father took the picture of me on the left in 1960 and it illustrates well what I normalized in racial identity as far back as I can remember. Everything was segregated as "European" or "Non-European";- buses, neighbourhoods, park benches, restaurants. We were not wealthy, but we had a black servant like every other white family. The servant lived in a small concrete room at the back of our property. 

I am the young girl in the school uniform of my all white primary school. We had no contact with children of other races other than in the church where my parents taught as lay missionaries. My brothers and I sat on the front row and never mixed with the Coloured (mixed-race) people who attended. I learned to be fearful of the "natives" as they were prone to violence and robbery. We returned to Canada in July 1962 when resistance against South Africa's apartheid policies increased within the country and internationally. I never remember race or privilege being discussed in our home and I was an adult before I read about South Africa's colonial history. 

My mother was a primary school teacher and she also taught Sunday School. She had a big box of flannelgraph figures and picture books for telling Bible stories. Every Bible character was white but I never considered for a moment what that looked like for the black children she taught. I loved books and had a set of Enid Blyton's Noddy stories. I grew up reading about Golliwogs, including Golly, Wolly and Ni**er in the series "The Three Golliwogs".  (These books were revised in later editions)

Of course, Noddy's Milk Bar in Durban, South Africa was for white families only. 

It is never too late to reflect on personal biases and the privileges I still have because of my race. I continue to participate in systems that promote ongoing racial inequalities because they are imbedded in our social and economic structures. 

I will conclude with a definition of Critical Race Theory from Britannica.

...Racial inequality emerges from the social, economic, and legal differences that white people create between “races” to maintain elite white interests in labour markets and politics, giving rise to poverty and criminality in many minority communities.

Spring Arrives at Homer Watson Park!

Pioneer Tower along the Grand River at Homer Watson Park

Spring equinox occurred early yesterday morning but March 21 is the first day of spring in my mind. It is the birthday of one of my brothers, giving another reason to celebrate. Last year spring arrived to cold, snow-covered ground, but today's weather was the best one could hope for in March. We went to Homer Watson Park, named after a famous Canadian painter who lived in this area. The Grand River borders the park, and the trails were exceptionally busy as COVID shutdowns keep people from other activities. It was nice to see families outdoors enjoying nature. The picture above shows the Pioneer Tower built to commemorate the early European settlers here. The trees around it have grown so high that the tower is largely concealed from this vantage point in the summer when the leaves are out. 

This is always the first place where I see spring flowers. Snowdrops are blooming in the lawn and gardens around the Homer Watson House and Gallery.  

I love how the crocus flowers rise out of the dead leaves on the ground in a true picture of life springing up again after a cold winter. Bees were busy collecting pollen from the blooms, their pollen sacs loaded with spring's first meal. A Red Admiral butterfly was in the vicinity as well but it is impossible to know whether it was a returning migrant or one that stayed in a protected area in the river valley in the winter. 

Northern Cardinals are loud and territorial in the spring and this male was no exception. We saw an immature Bald Eagle fly by but due to the number of people on the trails, skittish water birds and other passerines were scarce.  But that was OK. It was a beautiful day in every way. 

Happy Spring! 

Growth and Change

I admire this American Elm tree when I ride past it on one of my favourite bike routes.  It may be three quarters of a century old, perhaps more, and this area of the city has seen many changes since the tree was a seedling. 

Family trees have branches like this elm that multiply with each generation. The tree is rooted deep in the ground but the surrounding environment changes and the view from the tree top broadens as branches grow higher. My parents were born during the great depression and grew up during World War II. They raised a family in the 1950's, 60s and 70s, times of great social change. My generation has lived through unprecendented social and technological change. The view from the top of our tree today is vastly different from the view our ancestors envisioned.

My great-grandparents lived in a time when women could not own property. 

When my grandparents were adults, women were granted the right to vote. About ten years later, women were legally considered to be persons and were able to hold public office for the first time. 

When my mother was an adult, women won the right for equal pay for equal work of equal value. 

Women are now represented in most professions and have risen to power as heads of state in several countries in my life time. I have watched as many men have stepped up to the plate to share household and child-rearing responsibilities. Yet there are those who feel threatened by capable women and want keep them in traditional roles. 

We were raised in a very conservative Christian church denomination, but it was progressive in the way it allowed women to teach and become ordained as leaders. Many Protestant groups now allow women to be pastors. Sadly, there are large denominations that still forbid women to be in leadership over men, as was the custom in the days of Paul the Apostle. Women are kept in subservient roles which has made them vulnerable to blame and abuse in patriarchal and misogynistic heirarchies. Religious systems easily become bastions of cultural tradition parading as truth. Personally, I could not join a church that did not give qualified and gifted women the same leadership opportunities as men.

Our region is home to many Old Order Mennonites. They are family-oriented, industrious people with many admirable qualities, but their church leaders decided that cultural changes that happened after the 19th century were worldly. Many live in homes without electricity or telephones and they still travel by horse and buggy. Change occurs very slowly in their community. Few people would want to live in Victorian times and no woman I know would want to give up legal rights that women fought for in the past.  

I am part of a family tree that has deep roots. I cannot discard the past, but I must adapt to a changing world while holding on to unchanging truths. The challenge is knowing what principles to hold on to, and what secondary opinions and traditions need to evolve with time. We do not want to end up in a time rut!

What Brings Me Joy?

Shop in Bloomfield, Ontario

We have lived in our current home for 34 years, raising 3 children as well as absorbing household items from our parents when they downsized. The majority of our furnishings were inherited including an old cabinet tube television that we brought home when Grandma D. died in 1990. She had the TV for at least 10 years, but it works well and is used often. 

A couple of years ago I watched Marie Kondo's series on Netflix and was motivated to organize and clear out a lot of belongings. I participated in a monthly challenge by the Minimalists where you are encouraged to throw out one item on the first of the month, two the next day and so on until you throw out thirty items on the last day of the month. But we keep accumulating more stuff. 

It is said that you should discard clothing not worn in the past year. Due to the pandemic, I have worn scrubs, pajamas and yoga pants with T-shirts. I got dressed up twice for funerals. My closet is full of clothes not worn in the past twelve months but I am hopeful they will be useful in the near future. 

Grandma's old TV brings me joyful memories

Today I started another purge and tried to deal firmly with my sentimental self. Just because it once belonged to Grandma, Mom or Dad does not mean I need to keep it now. Do I really want my children to sort through this stuff in the future? Marie Kondo advises people to keep items that bring them joy and to respectfully discard things you no longer have use for. I had forgotten about a lot of things uncovered today so they definitely are not sources of joy. 

One of the nice things about going away on vacation is that you only pack things you really need. It is amazing how little we really need to get by. I remember losing a suitcase when changing planes on a trip to Mexico a few years ago. It was four days before the airline found it but I managed quite well living with the essential things I always pack in my carry on luggage. Since then, I only pack a carry on suitcase when travelling by air. 

I have many more hours of work ahead to clean out closets, shelves and drawers and then my resolution will be to get rid of two items for every new thing brought into our home. It will bring me joy to have less clutter and fewer things to clean. 

Mid-March Birding

 

Sandhill Cranes- Waterloo Region Ontario

I heard from other birders that Sandhill Cranes had returned to the region recently. We drove to a place called Grass Lake, well named because there is little water and lots of grass there. We didn't find any cranes at first but then saw two fly up out of the grass, heard them vocalize loudly and then return to the field. If we had not seen them move, it would have been almost impossible to find them.

It was nice to see Turkey Vultures circling around in kettles overhead. Today was the first I had seen spring returnees in the area. As plain as they are up close, they are magnificent when they soar on wind currents.

Bald Eagles Ice Fishing

A short distance away, we saw a grayish bird with a large wingspan circling above a frozen lake. All the seagulls on the ice took off as a young eagle and a mature adult landed on the lake and pulled a fish from a hole in the ice. My guess is that the mature eagle is one of a pair nesting nearby, but it continues to provide support for its offspring from last season. The young eagle was considerably larger than the mature eagle but obviously was not as skilled at getting food. 

On the way home we passed a bison farm which we had never noticed before. There were two or three very young amimals as well as these mature ones. Bison meat is sold locally at our Farmers' Market and I expect that these are being raised for meat. 

We have enjoyed a few mild days and the number of spring migrants has increased daily. The wind has shifted and is bring back cold overnight windchill temperatures but the snow cover has receded significantly and food is available for the birds. I am. looking for Eastern Bluebirds, Great Blue Herons, Osprey and Meadowlarks next, as well as unexpecteds find that always make a day spent birding worthwhile.

Stereotypes and Prejudiced Thinking

We all have internalized stereotypes about other people and I am increasingly aware of my own prejudices. Growing up in a white middle-class family gave me privilege, and for most of my life I did not recognize the power of this privilege. While there is a lot of focus on racism in current media, prejudice, "pre judging", preconceived opinions about people different than ourselves, happens all the time aside from race. Prejudice is often a negative assessment of a person based on a variety of characteristics including, gender, age, occupation, disability, religion, beauty, wealth, ethnicity, social standing and more. Preconceived notions prevent us from seeing the humanity and worth in people who do not fit in with our particular group or value system.

I received a referral to assess the mobility of a man whose medical history included a mental health diagnosis, IV drug use, and non-compliance with medical treatment. He was very ill and could not walk due to a severe infection, but was threatening to leave hospital AMA (against medical advice). I knew all of this before I set eyes on the patient and undeniably had pre-judged the situation. 

I met a very angry man in his late 40s, and realized that arguing about his need to stay in hospital was futile. So I asked him to tell me his life story, where he grew up, where he had worked and why he needed to leave so urgently. As a child he was adopted by a family who lived on a farm. He didn't know his birth family but he loved the farm. He struggled at school but was proud of the jobs he held in various manufacturing facilities. His drug use led to time in prison but he told me he had not used drugs in eleven years. Old labels stick for a long time. He now lived in a rooming house with 4 other people who had once been on the street, and these were his friends.  He told me he would stay in hospital if he could go out for a cigarette, so we arranged to take him outside the building in a wheelchair. He ended up staying and was discharged home a few days later when he was medically improved.

Hospital work is often hectic and it is challenging to find time to listen and explore the humanity of every patient. I was made aware again of how often I judge people based on a diagnosis, particularly where there is a mental health history, poor self-care, or noncompliance. My judgements come from perceptions which are based on my own privilege, experience, education and social status. If I believe that humans are made in the image of God, I need to look for that image in every person. Jesus did that well, connecting with the sick and poor, the despised tax collectors, the racially impure, prostitutes and sinners. He saw the worth in everyone. 

I grew up in a church culture that taught us to judge by appearances, to live "separate lives" with a long list of forbidden activities. We knew who was going to heaven and who was going to hell and had to walk a fine line to make sure we were not headed in the wrong direction. I knew all the right answers in a black and white world, a world where there were consequences for every infraction. While there were many good and loving people in my group, I learned to be very judgemental. 

Look up this book by Kate Bowler

Several years ago I read about a young teenager who was found dead in Western Canada. It was a sad story, but a few days later it was revealed that the girl was from an Indigenous community. For a fleeting moment I felt relieved that it was not a girl like my own daughters. I was ashamed of my prejudice but was influenced by the stereotypes of indigenous people that I grew up with, even things I learned in school. I recently enrolled in an online course from Coursera called Indigenous Canada. I have learned more in the first module than I knew in my entire life about Canadian Indigenous culture. Reading Richard Wagamese's books also enlightened me to the tragedy of residential schools and the long term consequences of forced separation from birth families. 

I will have to deal with my ingrained prejudices and judgemental attitude indefinitely. My hope is that I will recognize my thought processes and will choose to act in a compassionate manner toward all types of people. 

Those of us who grew up in the Baby Boomer generation experienced enormous social and political change since the end of World War 2. I will write more about racial experiences that were formative in my life.

Announcing the Arrival of Spring!

 No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn.  

Hal Borland

The first week of March was bitterly cold in Ontario with north winds causing wind chills that kept many people indoors. We are experiencing spring-like temperatures this week and during my bike ride after work today, I was happy to find some real signs that spring is underway. Three days ago I first heard, then saw Red-winged Blackbirds in the park near our home. They are usually the first spring migrants that I notice early in March. The males arrive a few weeks ahead of the females and start their noisy territorial displays. 

Male Northern Cardinals, who have remained here all winter, are also choosing their nesting territories and sing loudly on the treetops. 

Arriving around the same time as Red-winged Blackbirds are the Common Grackles. Grackles are swaggering, boisterous blackbirds but they look more attractive in their iridescent mating plumage. 

Birders in our area are reporting first sightings of Tundra Swans arriving on their journey north to the Arctic tundra where they will raise their young. They do a layover not far from our home and arrive in large numbers by the end of the month.

But I really count spring by the arrival of American Robins to our neighbourhood, and this afternoon I spotted six of them.

There is still a lot of snow on the ground and I always wonder how these fruit, grub and worm eating birds survive while the earth is still frozen. They will congregate on sunny slopes where the ground is softer and forage withered, winter frozen berries from a variety of shrubs and trees. Nest building will not start for another month or more but they will be our most prevalent migrating bird in the suburbs.

No matter the uncertainty of our lives, nature continues in predictable seasonal cycles which are very reassuring to me. 

"As long as the world exists, 

there will be a time for planting and a time for harvest. 

There will always be cold and heat, 

summer and winter, day and night."  

Genesis 8:22

Celebrating International Women's Day

I come from a family with talented and capable women, many of whom have invested greatly in my life over the years. I am very proud of the women my daughters have become. Today is a day to celebrate the achievements of women around the world and to recognize that ongoing work is needed to ensure safety and equality for all.

My grandmother, pictured on the left, graduated from the School of Medicine at the University of Toronto in 1918. She was one of four women graduates in a class of 92 students. She specialized in paediatrics after graduation and looked after "her babies" in the small town where she lived north of Toronto, finally retiring in 1960. 

I took it for granted that Grandma was a doctor, not realizing in my younger years that she was a trailblazer who championed women's rights all her life. She collected books written by and about influencial Canadian women who excelled in all areas of private and public life and made sure I knew their stories. She travelled widely and made friends wherever she went. She was resilient, presevering after the death of her first son from meningitis, the loss of their first home to fire, and the premature death of her husband at the age of 52. She aged with grace and dignity and selflessly cared for the needs of other people until her death just shy of 94 years of age. 

I like Grandma's saying in the 1918 U of T yearbook because it describes her life perfectly. 

"She doesn't speak of what she is going to do, she does it."

Happy International Women's Day to women everywhere!

One Year Later

Early PPE standards

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the start of my part time post-retirement job. I began what was supposed to be a two-day-a-week, 9 month contract position the week before March break 2020. 

March break travel was the catalyst for a rapid increase in COVID-19 cases in Canada. The first critically ill patients were admitted and March marked the first death at our hospital, a local man in his mid-40s. Personal protective equipment became scarce and infection control best practices were not yet established. People were panic buying toilet paper, cleaning products and food items at stores. It is easy to look back and criticize the initial response to the pandemic but there was so much conflicting advice on how to prevent spread. This pandemic was unlike SARS or recent influenza epidemics where spread was self-limiting. Medical treatment of critically ill COVID-19 patients has improved greatly in the past year and survival rates are improving from my observations. Vaccine programs are ramping up and we can look forward to the return of some normalcy later this year. 

I have mentioned the intial fear I experienced working in a COVID environment, a fear that has now been replaced with a healthy respect for the virus. Fear has been an overwhelming emotion for many people. 

...fear of illness, job loss, business failures, isolation from loved ones, shortages of goods, vaccines, government control, lockdowns...

Fear gives birth to

...conspiracy theories, blaming others, rejection of scientific evidence and developments, religious and political tribalism...

During the second wave, one in five people in our hospital had COVID related illnesses. But patients with non-contagious lifestyle diseases use the majority of health care resources at any given time. Diseases caused by unhealthy eating, substance abuse, stress, and inactivity are preventable. In Alan Deutschman's book Change or Die, the author states that 9 out of 10 people don’t change their lifestyles or behaviors even when their lives depend upon it. And people with lifestyle diseases risk developing more severe COVID-19 symptoms if they become infected. 

This year has created a paradigm shift affecting every aspect of our lives. Change is hard, but it brings opportunity for reflection on our values and priorities. People have found creative ways to connect and work with our technological tools. We will value face to face encounters more when they are finally allowed. 

Much of what is happening in Season Two of the pandemic is beyond our individual control. But we can focus on positive personal changes that will improve our health and well-being. Eating well, exercising, cultivating meaningful relationships, dealing with stress and negative emotions in healthy ways, and re-evaluating our spiritual priorities, will bring resilience and growth in our lives.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, 

but of power, love, and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7 NLT