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| Little Miss P.'s Family |
I learned at an early age that obedience to my parents, teachers, and adults in our family and church was essential. Disobedience led to inevitable punishment. The strap was still used in school and I remember having my hands whacked with a ruler by a teacher when I gave a wrong answer. Our parents firmly believed in corporal punishment as did the parents of most of the children I knew. My childhood was safe and happy and like most Baby Boomers, I enjoyed certain freedoms, such as playing in the neighbourhood with minimal supervision. I did not suffer physical abuse in my home or community for which I am grateful.
We moved to a new city when I was in the middle of grade 11 and I was far behind in mathematics and French. I dropped French but stayed after school for extra math tutoring. My math teacher, Mr. J., always sat too close to me in those after-class sessions. I remember he smelled like cigars and made me feel very uncomfortable. It was twenty-four years later in 1994 while still a teacher at the same school, that he was convicted and jailed for several counts of sexual abuse of students. In 1970, no one had ever discussed the potential of sexual abuse by teachers or other people known to me. Abusive relationships in marriages, families, churches, schools and workplaces were not topics of discussion at that time. And I don't remember discussing these things with my children when they were young.
I have learned to be less compliant these days. Retail clerks sometimes ask for my postal code, email address or phone number when I go to the cash register. I will not give personal information just because a store asks for it and I sometimes get an incredulous look from the cashier when I refuse. I have learned to say "No" to other things without giving any excuses. And I would certainly teach a child from a very young age that they can say "No" to an adult in specific circumstances. Teasing and bullying a child, even in jest gives a message that the child cannot win against a persistent aggressor. A child does not have to share what belongs to them just because an older person compels them to do so. As a child and teenager, I learned to be an expert liar in order to avoid being punished, something I am not proud of. I wanted my children to be honest and trusting of me and let them know that if they told me the truth, I would not punish them. They did keep things from me, and likely still do, but I hope that I can be trusted to share any concerns they may have.
Thankfully, child abuse, marital abuse, sexual abuse, elder abuse, and other types of abuse are discussed openly now and the pervasiveness of emotional, physical and sexual abuse in homes, churches, schools, sports teams, and workplaces in the past and present is well known. Yet we still tend to dismiss things that make us uncomfortable. Last week a young coworker described a patient who consistently made rude sexual remarks to female staff members. He said something very inappropriate to her and she regretted not telling him that his remarks were not welcome. My workplace has a zero-tolerance policy for abuse of staff, whether from patients, families or co-workers, but we still worry about being labelled as a troublemaker for reporting instances of abuse.
I want my granddaughter and grandson to grow up safely as confident and intuitive decision-makers, knowing they have personal autonomy. Their mom is great at allowing them to make reasonable choices around things like food and clothing preferences. I don't force them to give me affection or attention and show them respect when they make a decision on their own. I hope we can have candid discussions about consent and safety as they get older. Obedience and compliance are important...at times, but not all the time.
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