Do I Model my Best Behaviour at Home?

Mrs. and Mr. Tree Swallow having an animated conversation outside their nesting box

We saw our next door neighbour, a recently widowed older gentleman, in the yard last week. He said he was experiencing the "COVID blues" after a winter of isolation. He has two daughters who would do anything for him, but he did not want to risk contact with other family members due to his significant health issues. Many people who live alone are feeling much the same way after more than a year of lockdown.

On the other hand, there are families who are feeling too much togetherness under one roof. If home was not a safe or happy place before the pandemic, it may be hell on earth now. Even for those who are not in abusive situations, home can be the most challenging place to live with grace and love. People will act in socially appropriate ways at work and outside the home, but may be irritable, impatient, selfish, lazy, angry, and disrespectful toward members of their own household whom we say we love. Home should not be a battleground but should be a place where we model our best behaviour!

I read Jann Arden's most recent book this week called, "If I knew then: Finding wisdom in failure and the power in aging". It is a personal reflection on her own dysfunctional family and her struggles with relationships and addictions in reaction to the stressors she faced. Yet those same forces also pushed her to success as a musician and entertainer. She made one statement that resonated with me after observing many marriages in my lifetime.

"The worst marriages do not end in divorce.

  The worst marriages do not end."

Children from those "worst marriages" often behave in the same way their parents did when they are adults, perpetuating destructive relationship patterns. We do not need to be "doormats" but should respond to conflict in an objective manner, honestly and graciously. Children need correction and direction, but should not be ridiculed or disrespected when they are young or as adults. Boundaries need to be clear and consistent. Love gives attention, offers practical suggestions, and sets limits. If actions are hurtful, love is not afraid to identify the truth, but does so with a goal of restoration. We cannot ignore wrong behaviour as that is dishonest and inhibits relational growth. It is also important that we recognize and correct any destructive patterns of behaviour we experienced in our families as children. 

I have been studying some scriptures which provide wise guidelines for relationships within the home.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  1 Cor. 13:4–5

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, 

but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, 

that it may benefit those who listen.  Ephesians 4:29

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, 

slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger

does not produce the righteousness that God desires.  James 1:19-20

Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. 

For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, 

cannot love God, whom they have not seen. 1 John 4:20

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves 

with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance 

against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues

 put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.  Colossians 3:12-14

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. 

1 John 3:18

...speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect 

the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.   Ephesians 4:15

I know that as I get older, the day is coming when my children may have to make decisions for my care. I have attended many family meetings where there was much unresolved conflict between family members. I have also attended other meetings where there was a beautiful demonstration of love, patience, forgiveness and compassion between siblings and their parents. Children are the centre of their universe when they are small but must be guided to grow outside of themselves as they mature, learning to appreciate the needs of others. 

Yesterday we watched an adult eagle caring for two eaglets in the nest. One adult hunted and brought back food and then the parents switched roles. The current nest keeper flew off to hunt for the family. Both parents are vital to the survival of their young and both provide vigilant care in the nest. In a few weeks they will be close by as the juveniles learn to fly and hunt for themselves. 

Human parents are major players in the development of spiritually and emotionally healthy children who will soar independently as they mature. We want our children to have the ability to develop and nurture lasting positive relationships. Even when children are adults, parents need to continually demonstrate respectful relationships with each other and with members of their extended families. My own children call out my behavior at times and I am wise to listen to them as they are usually right in their assessment. Respectfully listening to the point of view of another without getting angry and defensive can be challenging but is an important skill to develop. And when we mess things up, saying a sincere "sorry" with a resolve to do better is never inappropriate.

(This article from The Gospel Coalition is a good resource on this topic. Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero is another book about family relationships that I have found to be very helpful.)