We were raised by an eternally optimistic mother and a father who had a more pessimistic view of things, particularly as he got older. Grandma D. told me that Mom would practice for a piano recital and would invariably make a mistake while performing, but her failures did not decrease her confidence one bit. My father could read music and play the piano well, but he stopped because his younger sister was a musical prodigy who surpassed him in talent at an early age. Some of Mom's optimism and perseverance rubbed off on me, but inwardly, I often feel a gnawing anxiety and fear that I am not good enough and will mess things up.
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| Sharing a positive interaction with Dad in Mexico - a trip when I lost my passport! |
The world has always had corners of darkness and evil, and historically, pessimism and fear generally outpace optimism and hope. Humans have an inborn negativity bias, as being alert to threats enhances our chances of survival. I know there is a hawk in the yard when I see the songbirds at the feeder become motionless and quiet in an effort to seem invisible. Most wild animals have protective instincts, except perhaps for the neighbourhood squirrels who run across the road in front of moving cars. We prioritize negative information from a young age as we are constantly warned about potential dangers in our environment. A critical comment causes an emotional hit that outweighs numerous compliments. Negative communication disproportionately affects our memory, judgment and peace of mind.
But chronic pessimism harms our mental health and our social relationships. Positive communication is vital for our personal well-being. Research suggests that in healthy relationships, there is a ratio of five positive interactions for every negative interaction. (the Gottman ratio). That is a lofty goal, and it needs to be demonstrated daily, not just once in a while.
News and social media are often the biggest sources of negativity in our lives. Negative news and views generate more audience attention, clicks and viral potential on social media. I read an article in the Toronto Star today where a reader asked why major networks cannot produce a weekly show of good news stories instead of the "corruption, graft, abuse, greed, and unfortunately death that overwhelm our senses on a daily basis." The columnist replied that "happy news does not draw enough viewers, not when many are attracted to crime, scandal and sorrow." Negative news reporting has increased since 2000 and exponentially since the advent of social media and smartphones.
I bought the movie Bambi for our youngest daughter when she had her tonsils out. She watched it almost daily for at least a year. In the film, Thumper, the rabbit, famously said,
"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all."
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| Mom, Grandma on her 80th birthday, my cousin's husband, Aunt Joan, my cousin |
I remember a scolding I rightly received from my grandmother when I was an older teenager. My cousin was getting married soon, and my aunt was very busy finalizing the plans for the big day. I was visiting Grandma when Aunt Joan walked into the house.
The first thing I said to her was, "You look so tired!"
Grandma took me aside afterward and told me that my words made my aunt look even more physically tired and that I should never share a comment like that, even if it was true. I often thought about Grandma's rebuke (criticism sticks with us!) as I came to realize that Grandma suffered many significant losses in her life and lived through the tumultuous years of World Wars One and Two without becoming pessimistic and bitter. She always built other people up.
One of my more optimistic brothers commented after this post was initially published that optimistic people also have dark things in their lives that scare them. But, in Mark's words, "It always is a choice of courage to turn one’s back on the dark to face the light."
One of my goals for this year is to be more aware of negativity in my life and to cultivate a consistent "Gottman ratio" in relationships with family, friends and acquaintances. I cannot hide from trouble and bad news, but I will focus on creating positive interactions and memories within my circle of influence. I can exchange online doomscrolling and cynicism with activities that are beneficial to my mental health.
A plan is in progress...
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| Two of several inherently optimistic people in my family |
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